Good Mother

I mentioned this morning in a post that I was going for an injection in my eye.  A lot of you are probably aware because of my husbands blog, that I have Macular Degeneration...Wet. It is in both eyes. My right eye is pretty much as bad as it gets.  I have had good eyesight, fairly, in my left with glasses.  

I have noticed things changing lately..little things, having to really blow up the screen on my monitor to read, not being able to read labels, not seeing tone on tone things, and lately straight lines are no longer straight...they are more like what you see on a heart monitor----^^----^^-------^^^get the picture. This is lines of text, lines of fencing, lines in the road, just lines... I have also noticed that being no more than two feet from Ken, I cannot see his face clearly, his eyes are blurry to me. I cannot get a read on them anymore. It's important to see someone's eyes.

It scares the hell out of me.  I try so hard to be strong, I really do. I change my moods with music, and crass humor, and silliness. I refuse to talk about it. I focus on other things on positive things. But the truth is I AM SCARED.

I never ever lose focus on the fact that so many others have a life that is so much worse than mine, that have struggles so much more difficult than mine.  I know God will never give me more than I can handle, I know that this too shall pass.  I know that my husband will support me in whatever manner is necessary. I know these things...and yet, I feel scared and weak and weepy. 

I have never been one to like being out of control. That is why I have never been a big drinker...I need to be in control of my faculties...but this is taking away my control.  

I have said I am glad that I am not losing my hearing, because then I would not get to enjoy the music I love so much...but I love my husbands scruffy face, and the smiles of my grandchildren, and the blue of my fathers eyes.  I love the look of laughter on someone's face that I put there. I love the woods, and the ocean.  I love tulips, and glads and dogwoods blooming. I love to read, and paint, decorate my home. I think the presentation of food is just as important as the preparation. Soon I will see none of these things. 

I am scared, I feel weak. It has a grip now, it is coming too fast, I thought it would take longer than it is...I want it to STOP. It is an awful feeling...feeling sorry for myself...and yet I know ....I am so blessed...so loved, and still have so much to look forward to. But this is how I feel right now. And since this is my little tiny slice of the world, I figured I could share it and let it out...get it out of me...let it go...I can't change it...I have to not dwell on it....

Please know, that I am not looking for sympathy or pity...I do not want or need that...I guess I just needed to empty myself of the sadness, the scariness, the fear...I mean it probably isn't going to go away completely...but I had to let some out.  

So, if you stopped and read this...thank you for listening.  I do appreciate your time. I spoke to Ken about it a little, but he already has enough on him with moving, and the trip to the hospital a couple of weeks ago...I just didn't want to lay all of this on him too.  We are back at the Retina Specialist Monday morning bright and early for more fun and games...Maybe I should have started this off as Dear Diary....

Thanks again for listening, I do sincerely appreciate it.